Navigating Emotional Labour and the Mental Load: The Asian Daughter Edition
Some people may be familiar with the concepts ‘emotional labour’ and ‘mental load’. Emotional labour is the effort involved in managing your emotions—or the emotions of others—to meet expectations. For example, a sales associate who has to stay calm while working with an angry customer is engaging in emotional labour. Nurses who soothe their anxious patients before surgery are also providing emotional labour.
Mental load refers to the cognitive effort required to manage the logistics of daily life. It’s the behind-the-scenes work of planning, organizing, and anticipating needs. Examples of mental load are things like remembering birthdays of family members and buying them presents, keeping track of and scheduling doctor’s appointments or playdates for your children, and staying on top of household inventory (i.e., making sure you don’t run out of groceries or toilet paper). Both emotional labour and mental load can disproportionately affect women, who are more commonly in caregiving, service, and nurturing roles. And the effort and impact of providing emotional labour and engaging in mental load is often unrecognized and undervalued.
In recent years, there has been increased awareness of how women engage in and are negatively affected by providing emotional labour and taking on the mental load, including burnout, anxiety, depression, and feelings of resentment. Today’s blog post will look at the intersection of race and gender by exploring how Asian daughters in particular are affected by the effort of engaging in emotional labour and being responsible for the mental load in their families.
How do Asian Daughters Provide Emotional Labour and Take on the Mental Load?
For many Asian daughters, it is a juggling act to balance cultural expectations, family responsibilities, and personal desires and aspirations. This invisible labor can take a significant toll on mental health, self-worth, and sense of identity.
Examples of Emotional Labour or the Mental Load:
High Expectations:
Excelling academically or professionally to bring pride to the family, not bring shame, and uphold the family reputation.
Meeting societal and cultural ideals of success and respectability.
Choosing a career path that aligns with family aspirations rather than personal interest or passion (e.g., a career with prestige, job security, and high earning potential).
Emotional Caregiving:
Acting as the go-to emotional support person for parents, siblings, and relatives.
Mediating family conflicts, even when not directly involved.
Providing emotional support to parents, especially when they face challenges like financial stress, marital issues, or cultural adjustment.
Suppressing personal emotions to maintain family peace and avoid being perceived as a burden.
Gendered Roles:
Taking on caregiving roles for younger siblings or aging parents, often disproportionately compared to brothers.
Upholding cultural values of modesty, obedience, and propriety that may not apply equally to male family members.
Being the “default” family member expected to help with household chores or emotional labor.
Balancing Dual Identities
Feeling pressure to date or marry someone who meets family and cultural expectations, even if it conflicts with personal preferences.
Balancing traditional cultural values with the desire for modern or Western freedoms, such as dating, moving out, or traveling solo.
Managing feelings of guilt for wanting to prioritize personal goals, such as studying abroad, pursuing an unconventional career, or delaying or forgoing marriage or children.
Struggling with guilt for pursuing independence or prioritizing personal goals.
The Impact on Mental Health
The weight of these responsibilities can lead to significant mental and emotional strain, including:
Low Self-Worth: Constantly feeling inadequate despite significant achievements.
Burnout: Juggling work, family duties, and personal goals without adequate support.
Perfectionism: Striving to meet unrealistic expectations and fearing failure.
Guilt and Shame: Feeling torn between familial obligations and individual desires.
Identity Confusion: Struggling to reconcile cultural heritage or family expectations with a personal sense of self.
How to Navigate the Mental Load
1. Acknowledge Your Experience and Its Impact
Recognize that the mental load you carry is valid, and has a significant emotional impact.
Give yourself permission to feel overwhelmed, resentful, or conflicted—these emotions are natural consequences of carrying a burden that may be too heavy to bear.
2. Set Healthy Boundaries
Identify your personal limits around what you can be responsible for without sacrificing your own emotional and mental well-being.
Communicate with family members about what you can realistically manage.
Learn to say no to obligations that jeopardize your health and well-being.
3. Reframe what it means to be a “Good Daughter”
Being a “good daughter” doesn’t necessitate sacrificing yourself entirely; it can involve a balance between honouring your family while also acknowledging and making space for your own feelings and needs
4. Seek Support
Therapy can help you unpack the unique challenges of being an Asian daughter and explore ways to balance responsibilities with self-care.
Join communities or groups where you can share experiences with others facing similar struggles.
5. Prioritize Self-Care
Dedicate time to activities that care for your mind and body, whether that’s through hobbies, mindfulness practices, or simply rest.
Understand that taking care of yourself doesn’t mean you’re neglecting your family—it makes you better equipped to support them.
Conclusion
Being an Asian daughter can sometimes mean significant emotional labour and a heavy mental load. Navigating and finding freedom from the mental load doesn’t have to mean abandoning your family or culture, nor does it necessitate sacrificing your own well-being. By acknowledging the challenges, setting boundaries, and seeking support, it is possible to create a life that balances familial and cultural expectations with personal fulfillment.
If you’re struggling with these challenges, therapy can be safe space to work through them. Reach out today if you would like support in navigating the mental load.
