Feeling Safe in Love: The Beauty of Attachment Security
Like many young children, my daughter is scared of the dark. At bedtime, our routine is for me to read her a story, and then lie with her as she falls asleep. Some nights after the lights have been turned off, she snuggles close to me and tells me that she is scared.
My response is to hug her and tell her that she is safe.
“You’re safe in your bed.
You’re safe in your room.
You’re safe in the house.
We are right down the hall if you need us.”
One night, after hearing the familiar refrain that she is safe in her bed, her room, and the house, my daughter continued to ask whether she is safe in various other situations.
Am I safe in my blanket? Yes.
Am I safe on my pillow? Yes.
And then she asked: Am I safe in love?
Yes.
Wow. She soon fell asleep, but I kept thinking of how profound her question felt. I realized that with the phrase “safe in love” that she had captured the essence of attachment security. When we have attachment security, we feel sheltered, protected, cared for, and secure in someone’s love and availability for us, so much so that our fear is held at bay and we can sleep in peace (or play in peace! Or work in peace!). When we seek attachment security, what we are seeking is to feel safe in love.
How does Attachment Security Develop?
For some people, feeling safe in love is something that they have rarely experienced. We develop attachment security when we grow up in an environment where we are provided with consistent love, protection, care, and nurturance. We are seen, we are responded to, and there is attunement to who we are and what we need, both emotionally and physically. When our caregivers can meet our needs consistently, we are able to develop a strong and confident sense of self and trust that others care about us and will be available when we need them.
As children, some of us may have had parents or caregivers who were absent. Maybe they were absent physically because they had to work long hours to provide for the family; maybe they were absent emotionally because they were coping with their own trauma, lacked emotional awareness or capacity, or were struggling with mental health difficulties. Some children who lack attachment security might have been actively abused, neglected, or even grew up in physically dangerous environments like war zones in which there was real threat of death. These can all lead to the development of attachment trauma.
What Happens when Attachment Security is Disrupted?
If we do not grow up feeling “safe in love”, that is, we do not grow up feeling seen, valued, or protected, or prioritized, we may struggle with various issues including:
Fear of Abandonment: We may fear being rejected by people that we care about and are in relationships with. We may lack trust that others will truly be there for us in our times of need. This can present as being “clingy” in relationships, worrying often about whether others like us, or unwarranted jealousy.
Low Self-Worth and Feelings of Inadequacy: We may struggle with feeling “good enough” or worthwhile. We may have a hard time feeling good about ourselves despite success or achievement and feel that we are bad or unlovable.
Difficulty Regulating Emotions: We may experience overwhelming emotions like anxiety, anger, or sadness when upsetting things happen. Or, we feel numb and disconnected from our feelings. We might struggle with alcohol or substance issues as away of trying to cope with our dysregulated emotions.
Lack of Identity: We may struggle with knowing who we “really” are, what we value, and what kind of life we want to live.
How Do We Move Towards Greater Attachment Security?
For those of us who were not lucky enough to have caregivers who raised us to develop attachment security, the good news is that it is not too late to form this kind of loving, nurturing relationship. We can develop attachment security later in life.
Feeling safe in love is something that we can cultivate within other relationships - with intimate partners, close friends, and most importantly, with ourselves. Our inner child who longs to be seen and supported continues to live on inside of us, and we can respond by being the parent that she or he needs.
We can be the loving, caring, nurturing, empathic parents that we wished we had.
We can be the encouraging, tender, kind, and compassionate caregivers that we needed.
We can become our own attachment figure to our vulnerable child, and our inner child can learn to feel safe in our love.
How can this happen?
It’s a process, and a therapist can provide support in building a new way of relating to yourself. It involves developing awareness of the existence of your inner child, understanding how she has been impacted by her caregivers and the environment in which she grew up, and identifying the unmet needs that she continues to carry with her today. It includes cultivating compassion for the inner child, and the inner child learning to trust that now, finally, there is someone she can fully lean on, feel safe with, and turn to for support, encouragement, and celebration.
Safe and Secure in Love
There has been a tiny change in my daughter’s bedtime routine. Now when I put my daughter to bed and she tells me she is scared, I continue my familiar refrain that she is safe in her bed, her room, and our house. I also tell her that she is safe in my love.
If you are interested in beginning therapy to address your attachment insecurity and develop a “safe in love” relationship with yourself, please reach out.
